Three Girls One Sadist
by Ellen1804
Summary: Soyo Hime needs to be transferred from the Shinsengumi back to her palace, and her caretakers? Kagura, Nobume... and Okita Sougo.
1. Chapter 1

There are some days where all you want in life is to sit back, relax, and kill Hijikata Toshiro.

Or is that just me.

Should I introduce myself?

"Okita! Why that son of a bitch! Where did he go? Did he think he could get away with this? Putting laxatives in my mayonnaise?! I can sense something wrong with my mayonnaise from miles away! This inner super-sense mayonnaise supreme has always saved me... God I need a cigarette."

Yes... You mayonnaise-and-nicotine-addicted Shinsengumi Demon Vice Captain... Smoke that cigarette!

I peered over the edge of the plated roof of the Shinsengumi sleeping quarters and looked down at the top of Hijikata's pitch black hair.

He was lighting that cigarette with that stupid mayonnaise bottle lighter of his.

I roll back from the edge, avoiding the toxic smoke that was spiraling upwards. An evil smirk spread over my face.

You know, Hijikata-san, smoking kills people...

Down below, Hijikata began to cough violently and Yamazaki's high pitched voice entered my ears as he said, "Hijikata-san, what's wrong?"

"N-nothing. *Cough* I am fine. *Cough* Curse it... I feel... Dizzy..."

*Thump*

My grin widened.

"H-Hijikata-s-saaan! Hijikata-san?! Here, put your arm around my shoulder... KONDOU-SAN! I mean, GORILLA! Help, Hijikata collapsed!"

"G-goddammit...Th-this is all O-Okita's doing... *Cough*"

"What are you about? Not everything is Okita's fault you know! We've been telling you all these years to stop smoking!"

"No, this reeks of him. That bastard must have put something in the cigarettes. Look... *Cough* I can see where he unraveled it and glued it back together... What the hell did that little sneak put in my tobacco?!"

Oh, nothing but a little gift to keep your body comatose and your bowels loose.

"Oi, what in hell happened here?"

I hear the deep rumbling voice of Kondou-san as his heavy footsteps reached the room.

"Help me out here, gorilla. Hijikata finally collapsed from all his years of smoking! We have to carry him to the emergency health ward... Or maybe even the actual hospital!"

"I always knew this was going to happen. Every since that fateful day when we introduced him to the blasted addiction. We should have never done it. But the mayonnaise bottle looked so interesting and we've never seen anything like it before in the old dojo..."

"Oi." Hijikata said. "I think you have the wrong addiction."

"But no- Hijikata, brave as ever, took the risk and tried the thick gooey white substance... And then..." Kondou broke down and sobbed over Hijikata's chest. "It turned out that it was c*m!"

"OI! What sort of sick fantasies are you making up in your head, Gorilla?! It is not the mayonnaise addiction that is important here! It's the smoking addiction!" Hijikata spat out, right before dissolving into a coughing fit.

Yamazaki pounded Hijikata's back with his fist and triumphantly said, "You finally admitted it, Hijikata-san! The smoking addiction is releasing you from its grip already! Let's get you to the hospital and sign you up for smokers anonymous!"

"What?! No! *Cough*" Hijikata protested.

At that exact moment the poison finally spread from his lungs to his limbs, paralyzing them.

Hijikata went completely limp without uttering another sound.

"HE'S DEEEAD?!" Yamazaki shrieked.

I feel my eyes widen. Did it really work that well?

"Yamazaki, go get the medics here as soon as possible! For now... I will try mouth to mouth resuscitation."

I have to get a picture of this.

Just as I leaned over the edge with my phone, I hear an all-too-familiar voice.

"Oi Gorilla, that won't work. If ya wanna get a man to life again you should try mouth-to-d*ck resuscitation."

That annoyingly grating, high-pitched and Chinese-accented voice.

"Anyways, I'm here to pick up the Shogun's sister. I'll escort her back to her living quarters."

"No she won't," I said, casually leaning over the edge of the roof with my phone. "She's going to take the Shogun's sister around Kabuki-cho and get her in all sorts of dirty situations."

"Okita! What are you doing on the roof?!" Kondou (previously bent over Hijikata's unconscious head, I noted) straightened himself and looked up at me. "Don't you have a shift looking for Katsura in the red light district?"

"They left without me."

Before he could react or chide me for waking up late, the door below slammed open so hard I could feel vibrations from it through the roof. I crept backwards from the edge so I wouldn't slide off.

"I brought a medic!" Yamazaki wheezed out between breaths.

Yamazaki and the medic loaded Hijikata, who was turning a flattering shade of blue, onto a stretcher and speedily left.

Once they were gone, Kondou scratched his hair and looked down at Kagura. "It is true that Soyo Hime did ask for you personally. But we were trusted with keeping her safe so as a policeman I can't just let her out to anyone."

"Otae is walking through the park square to get to the market for groceries."

"O-KAY, IT APPEARS THAT THERE IS A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE AND THIS CAPTAIN IS NEEDED AT THE PARK SQUARE-"

"Hold it right there, Kondou-san." I said, tapping the edge of my phone on the middle of his skull, not at all too lightly. Like hell she was going to get her way this easily. "How does this little midget of a girl allowed to escort the closest relative to the Shogun we have through Kabuki-cho, of all places?"

Kagura smirked at me, spinning her umbrella. "Oh, I'm not going to escort her by myself! I have a real policeman to accompany Soyo-chan as well."

I highly doubt China has any sort of legitimate connection with policemen. What is this idiot going to try and fool us with now? When the door opened and Soyo walked through with her small suitcase packed and ready to go, I almost expected her to be followed by Gintoki in a policeman outfit and a mustache.

Instead, I hear another female voice.

"Imai Nobume from the Mimawarigumi, present. I am here to take Soyo Hime from the police station to the palace."

... Of course.


	2. Chapter 2

"Let's get this over with," I said dispassionately. "Get a taxi and ship Soyo Hime to the palace. Get there, toss her out and done, we can then all go home."

"You can go home if you want, Sadist." Kagura said. "We're not going to just go the palace- how boring is that? No one wants you here, boring policeman. Go home!"

"Now, that's mean. My heart is hurt, so now you are arrested for attacking a policeman." I pull out a pair of handcuffs from my pocket. "Now be a good girl and turn around with your hands behind your back or I'll charge you with resisting the law."

"I've hailed a taxi," Nobume said in the midst of Kagura's complaints. She opened the door in the back and went in first, not before putting Soyo's suitcase in the trunk.

Soyo followed her and sat in the middle. Kagura finished the trio off and sat in the window seat behind shotgun. I went up front, buckled myself into my seat. "The shogun's palace. Ten thousand yen if you get there in fifteen minutes."

"OI." Kagura said, leaning forwards and tugging on my earlobes. "I said we were going to explore Kabuki-cho. Hey driver, go to the donut cafe."

From the rearview mirror I can see the Nobume's change of expression. Huh. I didn't even think she had any other face besides her blank, expressionless stare. She just went from cool to drooling over the thought of getting a Pon De Ring.

Should I let her keep that happy face on? Nah, it'll be way more fun to ruin it. And besides, that face annoyed the hell outta me. It was the face Hijikata made when he got his hands on some high quality mayonnaise.

"We are not going to the donut cafe," I said. To the driver I gave only one sentence: "Who is paying you, exactly, and if that's not enough I have a bazooka." As the driver paled and continued driving en route to the palace with slightly shaking hands, Kagura glared at the back of my head and I smirked.

"I need to take a dump," came as a whisper from Soyo.

... Poop your pants Soyo Hime.

* * *

I sat down at the tiny plastic table and watched as Nobume ordered what was probably a year's worth of donuts. Look at that- Soyo's out of the bathroom already. That "dump" sure was over quickly! If it had been any other girl I wouldn't care less if she shat herself but the Shogun's sister... Hijikata better give me a bonus after this. Oh, wait, I poisoned him.

I better get Hijikata's position of vice captain after this.

Kagura wobbled over balancing two huge cartons on each shoulder. I leaned out to trip her out of habit and Nobume's sword tip nearly sliced my toes off. I looked up at her deadly glare and felt my pulse quicken. I haven't had a good fight since... Since Hijikata took me on last night. It doesn't matter. I was itching for another one already.

To my disappointment, she ignored me and instead sat down to consume the donuts like they were air and she had been holding her breath underwater.

Likewise, Kagura followed her lead. Soyo, whom I had confirmed is the only "normal" girl of the trio, or at least the most normal, calmly and stately took little dainty bites.

I wonder if the served alcohol here because I sorely needed it.

* * *

I am just an average policeman. This car tried to catch a green light before a changed, narrowly missing my shiny, polished black policeman shoes, so I shot it to hell.

I am just an average, pissed off policeman. The light didn't change fast enough so I shot it to hell.

I am just an average, sadistic, and pissed off policeman. This girl next to me wasn't walking fast enough so I shot her to hell.

Which was why Soyo Hime is the hospital at the moment.

With love, Sougo

"With love, my ass!" Hijikata shrieked, tearing up the note in fury.


End file.
